Write-A-Thon Day 4

I am afraid of driving a car, because I am afraid I will break laws, get in trouble, get fined, and possibly hurt or kill someone. I am afraid that when insects buzz around my head that one of them will climb up or into my nose, ears, or mouth. I am afraid that my parents will find out the things about me that I am not ashamed of, and can freely admit to friends, but I fear would make them unhappy. I am afraid of falling down a steep hillside when I walk along slopes.

I am afraid that I will not be able to get health insurance when I need coverage because of my illness. I am afraid that I will be unable to make a steady living because of my illness. I am afraid that I will not be able to have children because of my illness. I am afraid that bad things will happen to those I love. I am afraid that I will be the cause of bad things happening to other people. I am afraid that “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” is not considered a valid excuse. I am afraid I am alone when I am alone. I am afraid that beyond this frail skin, this bubble of life, that there is only cold and nothing, and I am also afraid that there is something, but it is not something that is fair and kind. I am afraid that my love and trying will not be enough to make things okay.

I am afraid of a great number of things. Sometimes these fears bog me down, make me feel inadequate and puny, prevent me from doing things I want to do, or feel like I should be able to do. Sometimes they even paralyze me into inaction and depression. However, there are also many things I do not fear, and it is that what gives me my truest strength.

I am not afraid of being the first person out on the dance floor when everyone is standing around the edges of the room, nervous of showing themselves as joyous. I am not afraid of speaking my mind and standing up for what I sincerely believe in. I am not afraid of my own death or my own physical pain. I am not afraid to raise my hand and ask a question. I am not afraid to raise my hand and speak an answer. I am not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs if that will make me feel freer. I am not afraid to admit to liking things that other people do not like, or to disliking things that other people do like. I am not afraid to take the first slice of cake that no one has touched specifically because no one has touched it. I am not afraid to go say hello to the loners that others avoid. I am not afraid to say goodbye to people who are very dear to me but who I must distance myself from for a good reason.

I am not afraid to look into the mirror in front of me. I am not afraid to look at the mirror inside of me. I am not afraid to ask for help. I am not afraid to offer help. I am not afraid to change the fairytale so that the knight runs off with the dragon, or the princess rescues herself without waiting for a savior, or the queen reconciles with the king, or the enchanted tree says “Enough of this silliness, I am getting out of here.” I am not afraid to wear the clothes I feel like wearing and go the places I feel like going. I am not afraid to spin webs of longing. I am not afraid of snakes, or of spiders (as long as they keep away from my orifices), or of mice, or of thunderstorms or darkness. I am not afraid to tell someone I love them when I do love them. I am not afraid to take my doctor’s advice. I am not afraid to try something new, even if I think I will be very bad at it. I am not afraid to rappel and go on a zip line in the tropical rainforest. I am not afraid to make friends with cats I have never met before. Simply, and most importantly, though I have been afraid of it, I am not afraid to live.