Ferdinand's first thought upon emerging out of the darkness was that he might sustain some brain damage, given all this violent blacking out recently. At least he didn't drink much alcohol, and hadn't let himself get drunk since his turning, for fear of losing control and hurting someone.
The memory of him almost losing control and hurting someone hit him at the same instant he heard Nat's voice, soft and ragged at the edges. Ferdinand opened one eye the tiniest bit, trying to preserve the illusion of remaining out of it while still wide enough to catch a glimpse of Nat. The older vampire was curled in a fetal position with his head sideways in Taylor's lap. She cupped his cheek with her left hand and stroked his mussed, sweat-streaked red hair with the other. "I don't think I'll be able to," Nat was saying.
"Oh, Nat. Once he comes into his senses he'll be glad you stopped him," Taylor replied.
Nat clutched her knee. "That's not what I'm worried about. I haven't always been the person you know. I'm so old now. I did things when I was young..."
"That was then. You saved me. Focus on that."
"I've gotta say it like tearing off a band-aid. Otherwise I'll never get it out." He spoke even more quietly, barely above a whisper. "I went to Vietnam during the war the US had with it. My choice. I was already turned by then. I thought I'd be able to kill and eat people without guilt if it was for my country."
"Didn't work out that way, I'm guessing."
Reaching up, Nat gently put a finger over Taylor's lips. "Thank you, but please let me finish. One day while I was there, more or less doing okay, though there were issues and all, I stumbled on some American soldiers. I usually kept clear of them. They were - they were...hurting...a little girl. I did something I should not have done. Very bad. Beyond the pale."
Taylor said nothing, but kissed the top of his head, letting him gather his thoughts.
"I buried it pretty deep, that memory. Tried to make up for it in so many ways. Desperate situations make people desperate. I get that. But Ferdinand...he's been my friend all these years. What I did...what I..." He put his hands over his face. "Pushing him against the wall like that - it made me remember what I did to those men, when I was angry and lost, lonely and vengeful. It felt way too good. God, it was so good - and I wanted more from my friend, more than he would ever want to give me. Like I wanted to repeat the most horrible thing I've ever done."
"Oh, Nat." Taylor sounded a little teary herself, though not at all disgusted or frightened. It reminded Ferdinand of how Selene used to be, when they had to face his weaknesses.
"I know how he feels. I know he wasn't just fighting because of his craving to bite you. He found out just before we were trapped that I'm attracted to him, and have been for a long time. I sensed the hunter in him, for you, but he could feel the hunter in me, for him. Assuming we get out of here, that means I must never see him again."
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Nice first thoughts for Ferdinand- first, half worst-case scenario and half humor, and then some very dark look-on-the-bright-side. And people overhearing things because others think they're unconscious is always interesting.
ReplyDeleteI like the description of Nat's voice, and then just the picture of him here in general, body and mind (though poor Nat, really. To go to the TV Tropes thing, 'Sad Clown' fits him very much). Curled up on Taylor's lap and haunted by his past and 'like tearing off a band-aid'.
And I'm going to have to apologize, because I'm a bit confused- what particularly bad thing did Nat do that one time, and what is the 'aside from the cravings' insight this gave him into Ferdin? (I figured out an idea for what it might be, but I'm not sure).
Thanks!
I've edited it to make it clearer. Sometimes I can be too cryptic. Take a look. Is it more obvious now?
ReplyDeleteYes, it is, and wow, I see what you meant about seeing Nat's motivation for what he does at the end. Poor Nat.
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